If you're in a place, #16: Loneliness and The Chris Gethard Show

December 07, 2019

#16: Loneliness and The Chris Gethard Show

(While you’re at it, you might also watch the Genuine Sadness episode, the Diddy episode, the Talk Show for Dogs episode, or, if you have an hour to spare, you might also listen to his one-man show Career Suicide, an hour-long stand-up special where he talks frankly, darkly, but also hilariously about his struggles with OCD and depression. Or his podcast Beautiful/Anonymous, where he talks to someone random and anonymous for an hour.)

My therapist, just a couple of weeks ago very succinctly said:

“When you’re a baby and you’re upset, whether you’re hurting or hungry or whatever, you internalize how your parents soothe you. Or, in a lot of cases, DON’T soothe you. Then you spend your entire adult life trying to find ways to soothe yourself when you’re feeling some kind of emotional pain. A lot of those soothing techniques end up being unhealthy. Or we attach too much to the unhealthy ways our parents soothed us. My job is to help you develop healthy self-soothing techniques.”

I’ve dealt almost my entire life with a deep loneliness. A disconnection from the people around me. For a lot of my life, I’ve felt drawn to large groups of people as a means of compensating for these feelings of disconnection. I love being in front of crowds. I love talking to big groups of people. I love being noticed, even if it’s by people I don’t know. I think this has always been my way of forcing connection. If people notice me, laugh at my jokes, feel connected to my words, then this can temporarily soothe the loneliness I feel.

I have a big personality. I love attention. It makes me feel validated. Like I’m a real person.

And, for the majority of my adult life, this is how I’ve self-soothed. By seeking attention. All kinds of attention.

I needed people to tell me who I was because I wasn’t certain that I could trust who I thought I was.

And so, when I would sit alone in my living room, and those overcast-like feelings of loneliness would begin to creep in, I would reach for something to help push them away. My phone, where I’m connected to a sea of people who can tell me who they think I am, whether via text or social media. Alcohol, which could soften the blow of these thoughts. Something. Anything. To connect.

The last few weeks, I’ve been trying to be more intentional about what I do when I feel lonely. I’ve been trying to sit more in that loneliness. Feel it out. Try it on for size. Bask in it.

And it’s fucking hard. I’ve developed a better sense of self this year than I’ve ever had, but nothing quite challenges that confidence like being alone in your own head.

This is all a work in progress. I want to get better at self-soothing and, I want to build a better sense of self-worth that’s based on my own ideas rather a sense of self that’s dependent upon others, but I also want to continue to build and nurture relationships that mean something to me and help me feel more connected to the universe.

What does Chris Gethard have to do with all of this? Nothing really. Other than when I feel most alone, I enjoy taking in art that feels authentic and strange and fun. Shit that feels like it’s pointing out at and holding some concealed part of my heart.

S1E6: You OK? w/ Ellie Kemper